Knowing in my head, versus my heart

I know in my head that someone out there always has it worse than I do. I know that. I know that what she's doing isn't physically hurting her, except for the owie moment when she yanks. But danged if this newest behavior from my daughter isn't one of the more painful things I've gone through with her. It hurts me so much to see her do this to herself and to be unable to help. Unable to get her to understand that she needs to stop. My heart just aches.

I know there are mothers losing their children today. I know there are mamas out there who would give anything to be going through what I am going through, instead of what they are suffering.

I wonder if my difficulty in handling this is due to my depression, or if my depression is due to not being able to handle this. Quite a conundrum.


We have to sit with her every minute or she will pull hair out. If we leave to run to the bathroom, there will be a small pile of hair beside her chair. If we don't hear her wake up and go to be with her right away, there will be a large pile of hair beside her. This started as a need for her to chew her hair. We cut it shorter and shorter to try to stop that behavior, little dreaming she would actually pull it out to get it into her mouth. If I had known, I never would've cut her hair that last time. Now it's a question of whether we can ever grow her hair out long enough again so she can go back to the relatively innocuous hair chewing, rather than this. And I'm ready to start pulling MY hair out trying to care for three children by myself all day (during holidays, like today, especially) while keeping her from pulling out what little hair is left. Chasing after Ian, who walks all the time now, is difficult when I can't leave Abby for even a moment without feeling horrible guilt when I come back and another huge chunk of hair is gone.

I know it's just cosmetic. But dang it, she is already SO obviously disabled. She already gets stared at, whispered about, and laughed at when out in public. Did this have to happen too? Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself. Does it make it okay, or better, that I am doing it in my 14 year old daughter's name? She had such pretty hair. It was one thing about her that wasn't abnormal, or weird, or different. Now,even that little bit of beauty is gone. I can't even tell you how much I love this girl. It's beyond words, it really is. That's what makes it hurt so much.