Stress, anger and giving up the dream

So, guess it's been a while since I posted (again), eh? How does that happen? I get so busy and at times days just fly by, while at other times they seem to creep. This weekend has been very stressful for me. I only have five weeks left (at most) until baby time and NOTHING for him is done. Nothing. Now, this is not the end of the world. I need to wash a few loads of laundry and he'll have clothes. I've cleaned out 2 drawers in Anna's dresser for his things, so he has a place I can put some stuff. Buy a pack or two of diapers and some baby wash and voila, we'll be okay. But is that how I really want it for my last sweet baby, when he is born? Of course not. What I wanted was a bedroom ready for each of my kids. Not gonna happen. I wanted to have a little nursery set up for him with his crib set up and a place to have his little baby bathtub, etc....Not gonna happen. I wanted Abby's therapy room which will now also be her bedroom to be painted and decorated and a place for her to be and be happy. Not gonna happen. I wanted Anna to have chosen her paint color and new bedding for her new room. I wanted her all moved in to her new bigger bed (my old bed from when I was a girl) with room for more of her toys in her room to play with, so that I would have more room in our house for things like baby swings and exersaucers. Not gonna happen.

I might have to stop posting this to go cry. Seriously. I've been fighting it off all day.

I wanted to use cloth diapers on this little guy from the beginning, but it's not gonna happen. With the way money is around here, I just can't afford the up front costs of getting him a "stash" as the CD'ers call it. I have a dozen prefolds and 9 Kissaluvs, but no covers to use. I almost bought some more prefolds the other day but when I sat down and thought about it, I just couldn't do it.

I thought by now I'd have more of the money that my job owes me, but I don't, and I have no way of knowing when or if any more will come before Christmas. I had hoped to have my Christmas shopping mostly done by now, but instead I haven't even started. We have no extra money for any extras, let alone diapers or Christmas right now. I have planned what I want to get for both girls in the hopes that a check or two will show up. And in the meantime, I can't buy diapers when it could mean that much less in gifts for the girls, especially Anna. Abby doesn't know or care, but Anna is at the age where she is so excited to send Santa a letter, etc...I want this to be special for her. Instead, I'll just come up with $10 on an as-needed basis to run out and buy a bag of Luvs. It won't kill him to wear disposables. After all, thousands of babies do, right? :)

So the stress is smothering me right now. I don't know what to do to make it any better other than to give up the dream of a homebirth. I've been seeing my midwife now for 2 months. I was really looking forward to the homebirth and was planning on using one of my "missing" checks to pay her. I'm fairly certain my insurance will reimburse me 70% of it when all is said and done. But now the money pressures are so strong that I am feeling very, very selfish for wanting to spend so much money just so I can birth a certain way. He'll come out and be fine whether he's born here or in a hospital. After all, thousands of babies do, right? :)

This weekend has shown me just how unlikely it is that we'll have anything ready to have a homebirth in this house within the next few weeks. I know I've complained to most of you before about dh and the troubles we have. He's such a nice, nice guy. I've talked about how hard it is to feel so frustrated with someone who is so darned nice. But he doesn't feel the stress or pressure that I do to have this house a certain way for the holidays and the birth. He has barely done anything all weekend long. We only have three more weekends, at most, before little guy is due, if you don't count the weekend he's supposed to come. There is so much that I just cannot do anymore. If I make more than 2-3 trips up and down the stairs, I have contractions like you wouldn't believe. So hauling furniture and house extras to the basement can be done, but it's not good for me. But if I don't do it, it won't happen. Heck, even just routine housework is getting exhausting. I can barely keep up with loading and unloading the dishwasher. My bathrooms look awful. My kitchen floor needs scrubbed. I will do it, I have to, but it has to be done very slowly and in little increments. It takes me forever. And I get no help at all. What has he done this weekend? Watched TV, played computer games, and painted a couple of walls in Abby's therapy room. This is a room that will need another coat of paint before we can move her there. Plus we need at least one dresser for her clothes to put in there but no way can we afford it right now.

I'm so sick of living this life, I can't even tell you. I hate living paycheck to paycheck, I hate never having enough for life's emergencies (broken fridge? fix it yourself....need a plumber? fix it yourself or don't use it...etc...) How did I end up in this life of constant stress and worry, just like my mom's life was? I know, I know...but hey, at least I am married to a nice guy. Right? :)

::sigh:: I'm off to decide if I need to call the midwife tomorrow and tell her I won't need her services after all. Right now, I don't see any other choice both financially and from the standpoint of having a decent enough house to birth in.

Thanks for listening to me whine.