I never post. I'm a bad blogger. I don't know how so much time slips through my fingers before I get to sit down and post again. I'm suffering from some pretty severe anxiety and depression right now. Most days I can barely get myself dressed, and I definitely don't get myself fit to leave the house very often unless I really, really have to. Yesterday I had a meeting at Abby's autism school at 10 a.m. It was the first time in weeks, maybe even months, that I had been there or anywhere during the day. Lucky for me John does most of the shopping and outside errands.
This makes it sound like I am afraid to leave the house or something, and I'm not. I go into our yard all the time, and I've gone to Anna's school a couple of times for meetings and to see her do the weather reporting for announcements. It's not that I am afraid to leave my house, it's that I don't *want* to leave my house. I am tired all the time and I don't have the energy to brush my hair or even my teeth most days.
I don't feel super depressed, although I do a little bit. I am mostly happy. I love my children so, so much. They make me happy. I am proud of them and what great kids they are. Ian is just a joy every day. But the anxiety? Oh Lordy, help me. Right now I have a ball of nervousness in the pit of my stomach. And it's about everything, not some solid thing. I mean, it would make sense to be nervous about an upcoming test or something, but for me, it's just this cloud of anxiety following me, over my head like a thundercloud over a cartoon character.
I'll be okay, I always am. This happens to me frequently. Someday I will be done being pregnant, trying to get pregnant, and nursing and I'll actually be able to take some meds for this. If I didn't have autism/neurological issues to worry about for my kids, and especially Ian right now, I would go ahead and get on some Zoloft, but right now I can't. Maybe someday when Ian doesn't nurse so much.
The kids are fine. I'm fine. John's fine. :)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
This is hard. I have had times in my life like that. I think I never knew I was depressed or anxious at the time, usually later, when I had come out of it, I would look back and see it more clearly. I wonder if there are any boot-strappy things you can do in the meantime. Can you go for regular walks with Ian in the stroller when the girls are off at school? Just the wind in your hair and the blood pumping to your brain might help, not to mention the natural stress release that comes with exercise. I'm not trying to sound Tom Cruise-ish, just that you can't take meds right now, so I'm brainstorming. Hugs.
Lisa, I'm definately concerned about you too. I want to say that part of this is post-partum, but it sounds like it goes past that for you. Sometimes I don't want to leave the house either. I get tired all the time too. Have you had your thyroid tested lately? There are also days that I don't want to be a parent, or a spouse. I just want out of the relationships, if only to get my own rest in, and to nurture my own needs. Not selfishness, but self-preserving. It sounds like you have used up all your bonus points on others, and have not been able to reboot your own specialness. I'm praying that you can get some nurturing, and some spark to lay hold of your being. With all you do for others, you deserve to feel happy and at peace. You are an amazing woman, I know...and you deserve to know you matter, apart from all you do. Hugs and prayers.
Janet
You're not a bad blogger. Life takes priority!
I agree w/MA -- please try to go for regular walks with the bub . . . even short ones can make a big difference in your outlook, and the increased blood flow and oxygen (plus the simple act of breaking the pattern) might help lessen your anxiety.
In other advice you didn't ask for (hi!), maybe you could organize one of your scrapbooking weekends? I'm sure it is really tough for you to get away, but just throwing that out there because I remember you posting about the fun. You deserve "me" time like that. That's time just for "you." Not the family. (Although of course the family benefits.)
I know you'll be okay and that you know how to take care of everything SO VERY WELL. But I hate the thought of your down/anxious period lasting too long.
Hugs and more hugs!
Post a Comment