Maybe it's not going so well after all

I thought Anna's adjustment to first grade was going relatively smoothly. We're finishing up week 2 with no complaints or problems. Until last night. She has been relatively quiet about it all, but that's typical. It's like pulling teeth to get her to tell me how her day was. ("I forget.") But with persistance I usually get the general idea of how things went. Last night the baby was kicking and I asked if she wanted to try to feel him move. She hasn't felt him yet because every time she tries, he stops moving. I mean, EVERY TIME. I feel so bad for her. So she just burst into tears and said no, and then went right into this: "I hate school! I hate first grade and I NEVER want to go back!" Her dad and me: "Why? What's wrong?" A-"Because my teacher never calls on me when I raise my hand. And it's not ever any fun, ever." Me-"But you love gym, and art, and music, and the library, and lunch and recess-you think school is great!" A-"But that's the ONLY time I have fun...never in plain old first grade." :( We explained to her that by law, she has no choice and has to go to school. She asked what would happen to us if we didn't make her go and we said we weren't sure, but it would probably involve the police. LOL We finally got her calmed down and just hope that it was sheer exhaustion talking as it was almost bed time. She was fine this morning when I got her up and to the bus-not a word about hating school or anything else. I want her to love school and this makes me feel really sad. I hope it was a fluke.

On another note, I called the local midwive's practice here in town yesterday. I have wanted a home birth since before I had Annalise. Money is my biggest problem standing in the way, but I decided to at least call to get the info. I know it's around $2500. Could I pay that if I had to? Yes....but what does it take away from other things my family needs? Is it totally selfish of me to take that money to get the birth I want, when I *could* have the baby in a hospital just fine for less than half of that? We'll see....I am going to at least see what it will entail.

Another symptom of my depression....I got mad this morning, lost my temper, and kicked a hole in the wall. Duh. How old am I??? I'm so stupid. I just feel so bad physically, but that's no excuse.